It's been a while since I've posted anything mostly because I've been busy chasing Trevin around, still grieving the loss of my grandparents and healing from losing our sweet Emerson. So here is a little update.. Towards the end of April Trent and I found out we were pregnant again. Since we lost Emerson June of last year we have been still trying for a baby. Last October we had a positive pregnancy test which ended in a chemical pregnancy. After both loses we took sometime to let things sink in and focus on us as a couple. Once I had my positive test in April I called my doctor and she wanted to start doing blood work to keep a close eye on our little babe. After 4 different times of going to the lab and getting to know everyone that works there (finding out the hard way of who can take your blood without bruising you) we went to have an ultrasound done. At 5 weeks I got to see our little babe and everything looked fine and then at 8 weeks we went to a ultrasound place and got to see the baby and hear the heart. June 5th was the 1 year mark of losing Emerson and also our 10 week appointment with our doctor. Everything had been normal for me as far as the pregnancy goes the usual morning sickness, not being able to eat, and wanting to sleep all day. Once the doctor started the ultrasound I knew something was wrong again. Part of me was feeling really extremely hopeful and the other part was extremely stressed and trying not to get my hopes too high before our appointment. Then she confirmed we were having another miscarriage and we were in the same situation we were in with Emerson with the baby not growing. The baby was suppose to be showing at 10 weeks in growth but was only showing at 8. It was like a reoccurring nightmare all over again, feeling like you have let your husband down again, wondering where you went wrong in the whole pregnancy, and wondering why your body is messing with you like this. Of course I cried again in the room but this time Trent was crying too. I haven't seen him cry since our wedding so it was pretty heart breaking. I think he was feeling pretty positive about this pregnancy like I was since all the ultrasounds were looking good along with the blood work. Trent had called my Sgt since I was pretty upset and told him what was going on and he had a really hard time holding back his tears. Watching your husband who doesn't show emotions at all cry is really heart breaking. I think having Trent hear that we are now dealing with infertility issues and reoccurring miscarriages really upset him and hit him hard. My nurse that day was Emily and when she was going over all the dos and don'ts during the pregnancy she told me at the end that she had a miscarriage a few months ago and started tearing up because she understood what I've gone through herself. It was nice to have someone right then and there at that time to connect with. She was in the room when our doctor confirmed our miscarriage and she was trying to hold back the tears. We didn't tell anyone about the baby since we wanted to have our appointment first to make sure everything was looking good. Needless to say our families were pretty shocked when we called in the middle of the day with the news of another miscarriage. I had talked to Trent towards the beginning of the pregnancy about what I wanted to do if we were in the same situation we were in with Emerson. I did not want to do the medication since it took 3 rounds of it before everything was out when normally it should only take 1 round. I decided to do the surgery to make sure everything was out and so we can do some tests and figure out why this keeps happening to our little ones. I thought a lot before making my decision on having the surgery since it is a huge thing and as much as I wanted to let everything happen naturally I knew my body wasn't going to take it well. Not only was the medication physically exhausting, since it made me extremely sick, but mentally exhausting as well. So Friday June 9th was our scheduled d&c surgery. I went back to work the next day after finding out about losing another baby and it was the longest work day in a long time. I think I held everything in together pretty well but thinking about it now I wished I would have maybe taken sometime to myself and stayed home. My sweet brother and sister-in-law sent me beautiful lilies to my work which made me cry (they also dropped flowers off to my house with Emerson too). Surgery day finally came... I was fine until I got back into our room and all the emotions I was holding in all week finally hit me all at once while I was looking at the room and the gown that I had to change into. The nurses kept asking if there was anything they could do and after a while it got frustrating telling them no. It seemed like everything went fast once we got back into the room with nurses coming in and out and asking a million questions. Once I was all dressed and checked in it wasn't long until they wheeled me upstairs for surgery. Trent had walked with me upstairs and then had to say goodbye and go to the waiting area once we got off the elevators. They wheeled me to the room I was suppose to have my surgery in and parked me outside so they could get the room ready. Once I got into the room I broke down crying again and I remember the nurses telling me to let all the emotions out and that's the last thing I remember until I woke up in this big room with my whole body shake. Having gone through this before I feel like I've handled it pretty damn well. It's still a process going through the grieving phase since all 3 miscarriages have happen pretty close together. We of course decided to name our baby and decided on Karter. I know some people might think it's odd that we have given our babies names but everyone is different and you don't really know certain things until you go through them yourself. Everyone grieves things differently in their own way and this is our way of processing and grieving everything. Hopefully now we can get some answers on what is the cause of all of this so we can get it fixed. I wanted to also take a second to thank all of my family that has been extremely supportive and understanding of my crazy emotions this past month. And a huge thank you to my dear husband who has been my rock through it all. Now it's the waiting game for some answers from the tests we had done during the surgery. With love, Mrs. Moseley
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AuthorMama of a wild child, 5 little angels, and a great dane and enjoying the wife life! Archives
April 2018
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