I've had people ask family members how I am doing so I thought I should maybe do an update. So here we go..This Friday it will be one month since we found out our little Emerson wasn't growing and Saturday would have been the day we were finding out the gender. Going back to the beginning of June Trevin was about to turn 3 so we had planned this fun Disney Cars party for him (pictures and how I decorated without spending a ton are coming soon!). We found out on Wednesday that Emerson was gone and Trevins party was on Saturday. My doctor gave me the choice of medication which would start a forced miscarriage or D&C surgery. We had decided to go with the medication since surgery cost a lot and planned on taking the medicine the day after Trevins party. We told our families to tell anyone who knew about the pregnancy not to mention anything about the miscarriage at Trevins party since I was still having a really hard time grasping everything. His party was great and he had a lot of fun! My grandpa, who just lost his wife in March (another post about that will also be coming), was saying goodbye to me and hugged me and started saying he was sorry about everything and I just broke down. It was the first time anyone really said anything in person since we found out. Sunday came and I was emotional all day, taking the pills was emotionally and physically draining. I thought I was done taking the pills on Monday and Tuesday I had an ultrasound and my doctor called later that day and said I needed another round of the medicine and to get blood work done that day. The medicine didn't work the first time nor the second time and I had to take 3 rounds of this shitty medicine and I also had to get blood work done 3 times. It's sad when the phlebotomist remembers you since she has seen you 3 times within a week and a half. "Going through a miscarriage is on the top of my list of the hardest things I've gone through in my life." Once I was finished with all 3 rounds of medication and blood work I was still grieving really bad. I probably cried everyday for the first two or three weeks. Anyone who has gone through a miscarriage will agree it's extremely draining. It's been almost a month since we found out little Emerson left and I'm finally getting some of my energy back. All of the grieving and emotions have come and gone in waves.
I'm still having a hard time with everything but I'm so grateful for my family and most importantly my two boys! We have been staying busy with family and all of our family events and we also bought a trailer! Which means a lot of much needed get aways and smores!!! Thank you to everyone that has asked how we are doing and if we need anything. Now it's just time for us to take things as they come day by day. There will always be a little piece of my heart gone but never forgotten. Love, The Moseleys
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Some Disney dreams don't always come true... While we were in Disneyland we found out that we were going to have baby #2. We were so excited and we started talking about names and ideas on how to tell our families. We went to Fetal Foto and had a pregnancy verification ultrasound at 8 weeks and we got to see our baby and hear the heartbeat for the first time. I felt different with this pregnancy with my emotions and feeling down all the time which was the complete opposite of how it was when I had Trevin. I really didn't worry about how I was feeling with my emotions and such because every pregnancy is different. We told both of our families so they knew why I was feeling down and sick a lot. June 1st, 2016 my entire life changed and another nightmare to add to my life began. We had our first doctor appointment and I felt great that morning. When the doctor came in she was so excited for us and she is always happy. She started the ultrasound machine and asked me "how sure are you with your dates?". I tracked all my stuff so I was positive on my dates and that's when my heart sunk. She then said "I'm going to use a different way to look and see what's going on." After she was done I knew something was extremely wrong just by looking at her face, her smile was completely gone. "The baby is measuring at 7 1/2 weeks (I was 10 1/2 weeks) and it looks like it's not growing, I'm so sorry." I wanted to scream and I just started crying. Our baby was gone forever and now I will always be haunted with a lifetime of wonders. Our baby made it 11 weeks and 1 day. Was this going to be my little girl that I was hoping for? Were they going to have their daddy's smile and eyes like I dreamed they would have? What would they grow up to be? How am I going to explain this to Trevin? Why did our little Christmas baby have to become our Christmas angel? My due date was December 24th, we were suppose to have a little Christmas Eve baby and now that date will be a sad day for me for the rest of my life. I cry every time I see a pregnancy announcement on Facebook which with my luck is a lot lately since this seems to be the year of babies.. I am jealous of everyone that is having a baby this year and wish so much that it was me. I am jealous of all the cute belly bumps and nursery ideas. And yes I am very jealous of the cute maternity outfits everyone is wearing... Part of me was thinking I really don't want to open up about this to everyone but there was something in me that was saying this needs to be talked about more. To me I think my sweet baby is telling me it's okay to talk about it to help me heal and get through it. Any miscarriage is horrible whether it is an early miscarriage or a miscarriage in your second trimester. I will never know if I was carrying a little boy or girl. My biggest hope is that opening up about my miscarriage will help others see that they are not alone when it comes to this since not a lot of women talk about miscarriage. And opening up and talking about it really helps me and I've learned that talking about things helps me get through them easier. I will always love our little baby and I will also be a mother of 2 specially in my heart. "Emerson would be the perfect name." Trent and I talked about the situation and how we wanted to handle it. We both decided that we are going to give the baby a gender neutral name and we both decided Emerson would be a perfect name. Our baby had a heart and we heard the heartbeat so it was only right to give this sweet baby a name even though we never got to meet him/her. Everyone has been asking how I am doing which I'll be honest it has been extremely hard on me but it amazes me how strong Trent has been through it all. He isn't one to show emotions a lot, mostly just at our wedding, but I and a lot of other people can tell this has really hurt him and brought him down. Our miscarriage has been hard on both of us but we have both opened up about it and it really has brought us closer together. I still feel lost with the whole situation and I don't think it has completely hit me that I'm not pregnant anymore. But at least our baby has my grandma with them to help take care of him or her which has helped me a lot knowing that. To any other mothers going through a miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss you are not alone and don't be afraid to ask for help from anyone specially help from your loved ones. There is no shame in asking for help specially from you husband or father of your child. And remember everyone grieves differently including the men! Lastly I wanted to say a special thank you to my amazing husband for helping me get through this. Not only are you grieving yourself but you are helping me get back up after being knocked down. You are a amazing husband and a even more amazing father to both our children and I am extremely grateful for that! I couldn't get through this without you even though you drive me crazy a lot. Emerson Moseley, you will always be a part of our little family and we will always miss you everyday! Until we meet again my sweet little angel. Trent and Trevin's reaction when I told them I was pregnant.
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AuthorMama of a wild child, 5 little angels, and a great dane and enjoying the wife life! Archives
April 2018
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