When you get married you think about the house you are going to buy together, all the vacation trips and exploring you will do as husband and wife, all your holidays that you will get to celebrate together, and of course how many kids you will have and when you will start having them. Trent and I just celebrated our 3 year anniversary together last month. When we first got married we had a plan that we were going to sell his condo and move into our first house together. In September 2015 we moved into our first house together. We had a few conversations when we were engaged about kids and agreed that once we moved into our own house and settled we would start having more kids. So here we are 3 years later and we are currently going through our 5th miscarriage. Never did we think that we would have infertility problems specially since we are both pretty healthy and I've been pregnant before. Never at 25 years old did I think I would be battling a major battle with depression, anxiety and infertility. When I met Trent this was the last thing I thought would ever happen to us. This battle has been far from easy for us as individuals and as husband and wife. I will be honest there has been several times this battle has torn us apart to almost the point of divorce. That's one thing people on the outside of this don't understand with this battle is that it takes a huge toll on marriages. If Trevin wasn't here Trent and I would have gotten divorced. That little boy kept us together and I'm sure as hell glad he did. "Never at 25 years old did I think I would be battling a major battle with depression, anxiety and infertility."Thinking back to each miscarriage every single one was different. The emotions are different for each one, the grieving period is different, your body goes through each one different, the support you have from people change, everything is different.. At this point my emotions are just numb. We've gone through this so many times it's just normal now at this point which is very sad to say. Having gone through so many miscarriages it has taken the fun out of trying to have a family and being pregnant. We have to worry if we are going to lose the baby once we find out that we are expecting, we can't tell anyone until we are out of the "danger zone" like other people we know have, I stress about every symptom I have, I have to get so much blood work done during it all and in the end we end up keep losing our baby. I'm not writing about this to be a victim and have everyone feel bad about our life and our current situation. The reason why I am opening up about it publicly is to let people know it's okay to talk about it and this stigma about miscarriages isn't something you have to keep buried forever. I've noticed that when I write about it and talk about it the better I personally handle it. Of course opening up about it isn't for everyone but I like opening up about it so people, men or women, can come to me to talk if they need someone who has been through it before. For me talking about it helps me get through all the emotions on if but that's just me. My goal is to start writing about it more and having our situation be a place of hope for someone who is going through the same battle as us. In the end this is only going to make us stronger. We will be a stronger couple, family, parents and individuals. We won't give up and let infertility tare us apart and win. We aren't letting go of hope. Love, The Moseleys
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It's been a while since I've posted anything mostly because I've been busy chasing Trevin around, still grieving the loss of my grandparents and healing from losing our sweet Emerson. So here is a little update.. Towards the end of April Trent and I found out we were pregnant again. Since we lost Emerson June of last year we have been still trying for a baby. Last October we had a positive pregnancy test which ended in a chemical pregnancy. After both loses we took sometime to let things sink in and focus on us as a couple. Once I had my positive test in April I called my doctor and she wanted to start doing blood work to keep a close eye on our little babe. After 4 different times of going to the lab and getting to know everyone that works there (finding out the hard way of who can take your blood without bruising you) we went to have an ultrasound done. At 5 weeks I got to see our little babe and everything looked fine and then at 8 weeks we went to a ultrasound place and got to see the baby and hear the heart. June 5th was the 1 year mark of losing Emerson and also our 10 week appointment with our doctor. Everything had been normal for me as far as the pregnancy goes the usual morning sickness, not being able to eat, and wanting to sleep all day. Once the doctor started the ultrasound I knew something was wrong again. Part of me was feeling really extremely hopeful and the other part was extremely stressed and trying not to get my hopes too high before our appointment. Then she confirmed we were having another miscarriage and we were in the same situation we were in with Emerson with the baby not growing. The baby was suppose to be showing at 10 weeks in growth but was only showing at 8. It was like a reoccurring nightmare all over again, feeling like you have let your husband down again, wondering where you went wrong in the whole pregnancy, and wondering why your body is messing with you like this. Of course I cried again in the room but this time Trent was crying too. I haven't seen him cry since our wedding so it was pretty heart breaking. I think he was feeling pretty positive about this pregnancy like I was since all the ultrasounds were looking good along with the blood work. Trent had called my Sgt since I was pretty upset and told him what was going on and he had a really hard time holding back his tears. Watching your husband who doesn't show emotions at all cry is really heart breaking. I think having Trent hear that we are now dealing with infertility issues and reoccurring miscarriages really upset him and hit him hard. My nurse that day was Emily and when she was going over all the dos and don'ts during the pregnancy she told me at the end that she had a miscarriage a few months ago and started tearing up because she understood what I've gone through herself. It was nice to have someone right then and there at that time to connect with. She was in the room when our doctor confirmed our miscarriage and she was trying to hold back the tears. We didn't tell anyone about the baby since we wanted to have our appointment first to make sure everything was looking good. Needless to say our families were pretty shocked when we called in the middle of the day with the news of another miscarriage. I had talked to Trent towards the beginning of the pregnancy about what I wanted to do if we were in the same situation we were in with Emerson. I did not want to do the medication since it took 3 rounds of it before everything was out when normally it should only take 1 round. I decided to do the surgery to make sure everything was out and so we can do some tests and figure out why this keeps happening to our little ones. I thought a lot before making my decision on having the surgery since it is a huge thing and as much as I wanted to let everything happen naturally I knew my body wasn't going to take it well. Not only was the medication physically exhausting, since it made me extremely sick, but mentally exhausting as well. So Friday June 9th was our scheduled d&c surgery. I went back to work the next day after finding out about losing another baby and it was the longest work day in a long time. I think I held everything in together pretty well but thinking about it now I wished I would have maybe taken sometime to myself and stayed home. My sweet brother and sister-in-law sent me beautiful lilies to my work which made me cry (they also dropped flowers off to my house with Emerson too). Surgery day finally came... I was fine until I got back into our room and all the emotions I was holding in all week finally hit me all at once while I was looking at the room and the gown that I had to change into. The nurses kept asking if there was anything they could do and after a while it got frustrating telling them no. It seemed like everything went fast once we got back into the room with nurses coming in and out and asking a million questions. Once I was all dressed and checked in it wasn't long until they wheeled me upstairs for surgery. Trent had walked with me upstairs and then had to say goodbye and go to the waiting area once we got off the elevators. They wheeled me to the room I was suppose to have my surgery in and parked me outside so they could get the room ready. Once I got into the room I broke down crying again and I remember the nurses telling me to let all the emotions out and that's the last thing I remember until I woke up in this big room with my whole body shake. Having gone through this before I feel like I've handled it pretty damn well. It's still a process going through the grieving phase since all 3 miscarriages have happen pretty close together. We of course decided to name our baby and decided on Karter. I know some people might think it's odd that we have given our babies names but everyone is different and you don't really know certain things until you go through them yourself. Everyone grieves things differently in their own way and this is our way of processing and grieving everything. Hopefully now we can get some answers on what is the cause of all of this so we can get it fixed. I wanted to also take a second to thank all of my family that has been extremely supportive and understanding of my crazy emotions this past month. And a huge thank you to my dear husband who has been my rock through it all. Now it's the waiting game for some answers from the tests we had done during the surgery. With love, Mrs. Moseley I've had people ask family members how I am doing so I thought I should maybe do an update. So here we go..This Friday it will be one month since we found out our little Emerson wasn't growing and Saturday would have been the day we were finding out the gender. Going back to the beginning of June Trevin was about to turn 3 so we had planned this fun Disney Cars party for him (pictures and how I decorated without spending a ton are coming soon!). We found out on Wednesday that Emerson was gone and Trevins party was on Saturday. My doctor gave me the choice of medication which would start a forced miscarriage or D&C surgery. We had decided to go with the medication since surgery cost a lot and planned on taking the medicine the day after Trevins party. We told our families to tell anyone who knew about the pregnancy not to mention anything about the miscarriage at Trevins party since I was still having a really hard time grasping everything. His party was great and he had a lot of fun! My grandpa, who just lost his wife in March (another post about that will also be coming), was saying goodbye to me and hugged me and started saying he was sorry about everything and I just broke down. It was the first time anyone really said anything in person since we found out. Sunday came and I was emotional all day, taking the pills was emotionally and physically draining. I thought I was done taking the pills on Monday and Tuesday I had an ultrasound and my doctor called later that day and said I needed another round of the medicine and to get blood work done that day. The medicine didn't work the first time nor the second time and I had to take 3 rounds of this shitty medicine and I also had to get blood work done 3 times. It's sad when the phlebotomist remembers you since she has seen you 3 times within a week and a half. "Going through a miscarriage is on the top of my list of the hardest things I've gone through in my life." Once I was finished with all 3 rounds of medication and blood work I was still grieving really bad. I probably cried everyday for the first two or three weeks. Anyone who has gone through a miscarriage will agree it's extremely draining. It's been almost a month since we found out little Emerson left and I'm finally getting some of my energy back. All of the grieving and emotions have come and gone in waves.
I'm still having a hard time with everything but I'm so grateful for my family and most importantly my two boys! We have been staying busy with family and all of our family events and we also bought a trailer! Which means a lot of much needed get aways and smores!!! Thank you to everyone that has asked how we are doing and if we need anything. Now it's just time for us to take things as they come day by day. There will always be a little piece of my heart gone but never forgotten. Love, The Moseleys Some Disney dreams don't always come true... While we were in Disneyland we found out that we were going to have baby #2. We were so excited and we started talking about names and ideas on how to tell our families. We went to Fetal Foto and had a pregnancy verification ultrasound at 8 weeks and we got to see our baby and hear the heartbeat for the first time. I felt different with this pregnancy with my emotions and feeling down all the time which was the complete opposite of how it was when I had Trevin. I really didn't worry about how I was feeling with my emotions and such because every pregnancy is different. We told both of our families so they knew why I was feeling down and sick a lot. June 1st, 2016 my entire life changed and another nightmare to add to my life began. We had our first doctor appointment and I felt great that morning. When the doctor came in she was so excited for us and she is always happy. She started the ultrasound machine and asked me "how sure are you with your dates?". I tracked all my stuff so I was positive on my dates and that's when my heart sunk. She then said "I'm going to use a different way to look and see what's going on." After she was done I knew something was extremely wrong just by looking at her face, her smile was completely gone. "The baby is measuring at 7 1/2 weeks (I was 10 1/2 weeks) and it looks like it's not growing, I'm so sorry." I wanted to scream and I just started crying. Our baby was gone forever and now I will always be haunted with a lifetime of wonders. Our baby made it 11 weeks and 1 day. Was this going to be my little girl that I was hoping for? Were they going to have their daddy's smile and eyes like I dreamed they would have? What would they grow up to be? How am I going to explain this to Trevin? Why did our little Christmas baby have to become our Christmas angel? My due date was December 24th, we were suppose to have a little Christmas Eve baby and now that date will be a sad day for me for the rest of my life. I cry every time I see a pregnancy announcement on Facebook which with my luck is a lot lately since this seems to be the year of babies.. I am jealous of everyone that is having a baby this year and wish so much that it was me. I am jealous of all the cute belly bumps and nursery ideas. And yes I am very jealous of the cute maternity outfits everyone is wearing... Part of me was thinking I really don't want to open up about this to everyone but there was something in me that was saying this needs to be talked about more. To me I think my sweet baby is telling me it's okay to talk about it to help me heal and get through it. Any miscarriage is horrible whether it is an early miscarriage or a miscarriage in your second trimester. I will never know if I was carrying a little boy or girl. My biggest hope is that opening up about my miscarriage will help others see that they are not alone when it comes to this since not a lot of women talk about miscarriage. And opening up and talking about it really helps me and I've learned that talking about things helps me get through them easier. I will always love our little baby and I will also be a mother of 2 specially in my heart. "Emerson would be the perfect name." Trent and I talked about the situation and how we wanted to handle it. We both decided that we are going to give the baby a gender neutral name and we both decided Emerson would be a perfect name. Our baby had a heart and we heard the heartbeat so it was only right to give this sweet baby a name even though we never got to meet him/her. Everyone has been asking how I am doing which I'll be honest it has been extremely hard on me but it amazes me how strong Trent has been through it all. He isn't one to show emotions a lot, mostly just at our wedding, but I and a lot of other people can tell this has really hurt him and brought him down. Our miscarriage has been hard on both of us but we have both opened up about it and it really has brought us closer together. I still feel lost with the whole situation and I don't think it has completely hit me that I'm not pregnant anymore. But at least our baby has my grandma with them to help take care of him or her which has helped me a lot knowing that. To any other mothers going through a miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss you are not alone and don't be afraid to ask for help from anyone specially help from your loved ones. There is no shame in asking for help specially from you husband or father of your child. And remember everyone grieves differently including the men! Lastly I wanted to say a special thank you to my amazing husband for helping me get through this. Not only are you grieving yourself but you are helping me get back up after being knocked down. You are a amazing husband and a even more amazing father to both our children and I am extremely grateful for that! I couldn't get through this without you even though you drive me crazy a lot. Emerson Moseley, you will always be a part of our little family and we will always miss you everyday! Until we meet again my sweet little angel. Trent and Trevin's reaction when I told them I was pregnant.
Looking back on this year and it has been a much better year for me then my past couple years! From marrying Trent and moving into our first home to having much more time with Trevin it has all been unbelievable! I talk about Trent a lot but when you really see what I've been through in past relationship you would understand why I am so gushy about him. I have had so many ups and downs during the year but a lot more ups! Thinking about next year I am excited to see what opportunities will come. I want to clear up some questions I have had from people lately before the year is over.
When are you going to get pregnant again and have a second baby? -First no I am not pregnant. Having kids has been talked about between me and Trent before we got married just so we are on the same page before we said I do. We want to get Trevin adjusted to everything with the house and traveling to a different state every once in a while. We want to make sure he is comfortable and happy before we add to our family. I'm not saying once we have another baby that he will be pushed aside because that is defiantly not going to happen we just want him comfortable with all these big changes in his little life. Also Trent and I work full time so we want to make sure we have daycare figured out before this all happens. Working full time and having one baby is a lot and adding another is something that we want to plan out first. Did I change my job? -No I did not get a new job I am still with Protective Services and I plan on being here for a while. What happen to being an officer? -After having Trevin and becoming a single mom that dream changed and I don't regret it at all. It is something I have talked to Trent about making it happen but it won't happen until we are finished having kids and when they are much older and independent. Did Trent change job areas at his work? -This makes me laugh because it is such a random rumor! No Trent does still work in the traffic division and doesn't plan on moving anywhere else. Not that those questions are all cleared up! I am excited to start another year together with my boys! Me and Trent are going to take a weekend get away together for my birthday while Trevin is out of town, Disneyland in April with my whole family which will be our first family trip with all the grand kids, my baby niece Piper will be born in April (Trent's sister is prego!), Trevin will be turning 3 and possibly starting preschool, we will be celebrating our 1st year anniversary and so many more exciting things! It's going to be a bitter sweet year specially if we start Trevin in preschool. 2015 is one of my favorite years and I'm not sure if I'm ready for a new year since this year has been so great for me. I have grown a lot from this year and hopefully that continues with this next year. One thing I want to try and figure out more is coping with Trevin being gone to another state. So if any other parents that are in that situation have suggestions send them my way! :) It will take time to get use to everything but now I am just taking everything day by day and loving my boys. <3 Happy Holidays and my family and I hope everyone has a safe New Year! My first Mother's Day with Trevin (well second since I was pregnant during my first one) we took a trip with my mom and dad to Disneyland and it was so much fun! I was surprised he could ride some of the rides and he loved it! I was very nervous about taking Trevin on such a long ride but he was great the whole time and slept most of the way. We did 3 days in Disneyland and a day at the beach. Now we are planning our second trip to Disneyland this time with Trent and my entire family! Trent has only been to Disneyworld which is crazy to me! This trip we will be doing 4 days of Disney and also a character dining! If anyone has any tips or things they did in Disneyland let me know :) I mostly wrote this post to share all of Trevin's cute Disney pictures :) It has been a while since I've last posted well I will explain why. My life has changed drastically in a stressful yet good way. First Trevin's biological dad moved to a different state so now Trevin is with me and Trent everyday except he visits him once a month and during the summer. We have been working with Trevin a lot to make this new adjustment easier for him. Even though he is still little and doesn't fully understand what is going on our (mine and Trent's) major priority is to make Trevin's life the best we can make it and every transformation as easy as it can possibly be. We want Trevin to have the best life possible with the situation that he is in and that's what we are giving him. Not only is it a huge change it is always a huge change for us too in a great way. My anxiety has gone down a lot with this change because I don't have to worry about as many problems anymore. I'm still learning to deal with my anxiety specially thinking about Trevin leaving for a longer period of time in the summer but I've learned to focus on right now and make everything the best I can because Trevin deserves it. And I defiantly have Trent to thank for that because he has supported me so much and reminded me to focus on now and we will conquer the rest together when the time comes.
The next big change that has happened Trent, Trevin and I moved into our first house!!!! We moved everything in this past Saturday after our new carpet was put in! We still have a lot to do with painting a couple rooms and unpacking but it is slowly coming along! I am most excited about Trevin's room since I found so many cute ideas on Pinterest and his room will be Jake and the neverland pirates. And don't worry I will be posting pictures and how I made most of his decor and where I found it all in my Mama tips section! It has been a huge change since Trevin and I have been living with my parents since he was born so he is still adjusting to not seeing his Nana and Papa everyday and being in a completely different place. We didn't move far and we are actually about 3 blocks away from my brother and his family which is nice knowing that if I need anything or have an emergency he is right down the street. We had a long journey with all the house stuff. We remodeled some of Trent's condo in Bountiful and had it under contract within days of putting it on the market but sadly a couple weeks after and after we found our new house and put a offer in they buyer of the condo pulled out since her visa was about to expire and the bank wouldn't lend her the money because of it. So we had more stress trying to find a new buyer fast so we could keep our contract with our house and luckily a couple days later we had another offer but little did we know that this lady was going to be difficult. During her inspection this new buyer wanted a lot of things fixed which we understand and did but she was very impatient! She informed us that she didn't have all the money for her down payment so we had to move the closing date. There was a gas leak that they found and Trent had fixed it and they went back to check it again and said it wasn't fixed so the buyer called the gas company and reported the leak and had our gas shut off at the condo. Yes she was that crazy! Trent got a phone call at 11:30 pm on a Sunday night from the gas company saying it was shut off. So needless to say it was a LONG journey buying/selling a house but now we have our first house and we are so excited! Pictures of inside will be posted once I get everything cleaned! :) Once I became single I wasn't sure what I was ready for as far as a relationships. I had some friends that went to Cyprus since I lived in West Valley before we moved when I was in 4th grade and Trent also went to Cyprus so we met through mutual friends and in December of 2013 we started talking online through Facebook. He was working and living in his own place and I was working, being a mom and living with my parents. I was still going on dates with other guys and Trent and I would talk every once in a while.
After having a lot of bad dates and crazy people we started texting each other a lot more and decided to meet up in April for the first time. Since my court custody was almost done, we had a legal visitation schedule at this point, Trevin was going over night on Friday until Saturday at noon and that schedule started in March. So I left to meet Trent in Bountiful after Trevin left for the night and we met at a restaurant down the street from his place and talked for a while and then I went and met his HUGE great dane for the first time at his condo and we watched a movie. I know it sounds crazy going to his place for the first time when we met but I didn't have a bad feeling about this and I tend to go with my gut feeling about things (since my gut is mostly right especially recently!). When I first met Trent and saw him for the first time I had butterflies and to this day I still remember what he was wearing. He was everything I was looking for in a guy and the type of guy I would imagine myself marrying when I was little. Obliviously the first thing I noticed was his eyes, his perfect smile, and the shirt he was wearing. Once we started talking I could finally see and feel that this was going somewhere. He remember me talking about how much I love scary movies so we had one picked out already when we went to his place. When the night ended Trent ended up kissing me and that's when I knew I wanted to be with him forever and from that day we couldn't stay away from each other. I finally met a man that was respectful and everything I want in my life. When I introduced him to my family I was so extremely nervous. My mom asked me to pick out some outfits for the kids Easter baskets so Trent went with me to Target and when he came to pick me up he met my dad since my mom wasn't home. I had to go downstairs to get my stuff and I could hear him talking to my dad and telling him what he does and what not and they hit it off really well. Trent came over to my house to watch movie after Trevin went to bed but when he got there and we started watching the movie Trevin decided to wake up. I decided that I was ready for Trent to meet Trevin for the first time so I asked Trent how he felt about that and he was really excited. Trevin was about 11 months old so he wasn't really aware of what was going on but he liked Trent and smiled at him even though he was tired and ever since that day Trevin has been attached to Trent and always asks for him now and wants to call him or play with him. I met Trent's family on his mom's birthday at his grandparents' house. His mom automatically loved Trevin and wanted to hold him and play with him and of course I was nervous and shy. His family has always been accepting of me and Trevin and they treat Trevin like their own grandchild. Meeting Trent has changed my life. I am actually in a relationship that is healthy and not abusive and I'm not worried about him cheating on me. I have always had trust issues with guys I've dated mostly with cheating and now being with Trent I don't have to worry about that. We have a great relationship with a healthy communication between both of us. He has always respected me as a mother and has always supported me as a mother. He knew what he was getting into being with someone that has a child and that takes a strong person to do. Trent has gone from single 25 year old, living in his own house, having is four wheeler and cars to changing diapers, pushing a stroller, and dealing with the emotions of a one year old all within a couple months. I don't know how he could handle all that but he hasn't given up on anything with us. Everything in my life has a reason behind it and having Trent appear when I needed a man like him the most has changed everything for me. Now I know what love is really like when it comes to a relationship and commitment. Becoming a single mom and being so young my dating situation was interesting. I don't go out to parties when I have a baby to take care of. Before I met Trent I kinda hated dating because guys are not what I was raised to think they are. I met a lot of new people once I became single and most of the guys I met were defiantly not people that I would want Trevin to look up to. Some guys I did become friends with and went on dates with were nice but weren't ready for my situation, which I am grateful for now, or just weren't want I was looking for. It takes a special kind of man to handle my life and my situation and I wasn't sure what I was ready for at the time. I wanted to focus all my time on Trevin and some people can't understand that especially when they didn't have kids.
I never took Trevin around a lot of my friends and there were very few people that have met Trevin. It was about a month after me and Trent started dating that I actually had him meet Trevin for the first time and it wasn't really planned. I had Trent come over to watch a movie with me after Trevin went to bed and Trevin woke up and I asked Trent if he wanted to meet him and he was pretty excited and it melted my heart. It makes me sad seeing how men treat women in this generation. I defiantly will not be raising Trevin or any of my other sons (if we have a boy in the future) to treat women like that. I am not saying all guys are like this but there seems to be a large amount of them that treat women badly and there are women that treat men badly and it's sad seeing how our world has turn into this. I did have a lot of fun meeting new people and starting a new social/dating chapter in my life. I met up with one friend for ice cream and of course I got blue cotton candy and I didn't think that it would turn my whole mouth blue so I was sitting there talking to him with my mouth blue and I didn't realize it until after I got in the car!! That was probably my most embarrassing dating moment ever and when I told Trent about it he laughed at me. There was another time I met up with someone on Valentine's day and we went to Scheels and looked at deer hunting stuff. Yeah it was defiantly as romantic as is sounds but I still laugh about it today whenever I drive pass there. I was going through a really hard time in my life and I didn't know what I really wanted in my life at that point. I had a hard time trusting anyone so it made it harder for me to get out into the world. I honestly thought I wouldn't be in a commitment for a long time and I would stay single for a while and I wasn't really sure if I even wanted a relationship at this point so I wasn't really looking for one. Being single I did learn a lot about life and myself. I learned what I actually wanted in a relationship and in a man for the first time. What I really learned for the first time was not to settle for anyone less then what I deserve because I have settled a lot when it came to dating and it took me a while to learn that I don't need to do that. Coming from someone who settled a lot seriously don't do it especially with relationships. After Trevin was born everything in my marriage changed completely. I took about 8 weeks off from work to be with Trevin and those 8 weeks went by way too fast. Once I went back to work I was work 3-11 pm so his biological dad would take care of him when I was at work. I would wake up with Trevin at night, be up with him all day and when he would nap I would wash bottles, get laundry finished and cleaning done, and then I would go to work. That was my routine every day. One night that started the breaking point I had asked his biological dad if he would get up when Trevin started to cry and he told me no. I was exhausted and hadn't gotten any sleep since Trevin had a little hard of a time getting into a sleeping routine. We were living with my parents at the time to save money for a house and were actively looking in about August. My mom helped with cleaning the bottles a lot and helped me with Trevin when she was home and of course my dad would play with him all the time when he got home. His biological dad didn't like living with my parents. He had told me he felt obligated to go upstairs and sit with them while I was at work and he didn't like it.
October 4th exactly a year after finding out I was going to have a baby we split and he went and stayed at a friend’s house. I remember crying to my parents telling them I was getting a divorce and feeling like I disappointed them again. My family supported me 100% throughout the whole time and helped with Trevin. His biological dad would watch him sometimes while I was at work or Trevin would be with my family. My mom and dad helped put Trevin to bed at night. He ended up moving out of his friend’s house and then moving in with his parents. A couple days before Halloween I took Trevin to his grandma's work Halloween party and she told me she wanted me to come over on Halloween to show Trevin's grandpa his Halloween costume. I went over there on Halloween after we went trick or treating with my niece. Trevin's biological dad showed up since he lived there and he walked in and out of the house for about 10 minutes doing something then I finally asked him if he was even going to see Trevin while I had him over there. He had held him for a couple minutes and his mom asked if he wanted to take him to the neighbors and he said he had a party to get to. His parents tried to see if this divorce was really what we wanted and wanted us to talk about it but nothing was going to fix it. I was worried that while I was at work Trevin was being taken around people he shouldn't be around. I had asked who his biological dad was taking him around since he had a lot of friends that like to drink a lot and he got mad at me about it and it turned into a fight. I had planned to meet him at my mom’s work and he was mad that I changed the time or place I can't remember exactly. When I got there I tried talking to him about taking him around certain people and he was getting really mad at me. He took Trevin while he was still in his car seat and I asked if I could kiss him before he takes me and he pushed Trevin into me and I told him I would find someone else to watch Trevin that night since he was getting aggressive and asked him to get his bag from his truck. That's when he crabbed the bag and threw it at me and told me I was a worthless and a waste and then he got in his truck and sped off. I went inside since my mom was working and told her what was going on. He text me saying I'm outside so he could take him and I told him that my family was going to be watching him. I called my dad at work and told him what was going on and he helped me arrange someone to watch Trevin for me. In about November we had somewhat of a routine where he would get him a couple nights while I was at work and bring him home at 8 pm for my parents to get him ready for bed. In about the middle of November I got an email from him while I was at work saying he wasn't living at his parents anymore and he has every right to have Trevin overnight and he was going to take Trevin for the next 2 nights overnight and would bring him back when he went to work since he was off the next two days. He told me he wasn't going to give me his new address either. I went outside and called his mom and asked her where he was at and she said she didn't know. He refused to answer me when I asked where he was at. This was my rock bottom and I cry every time I even think about this. My baby was gone and I didn't know where he was and I couldn't call the police because there were no legal papers yet. This is why I have anxiety with my son and I am extremely protective of him. The next day I got an attorney and we pushed to get a temporary custody with visitation going. I had filed divorce papers before he did this and I filed sole custody with visitation and that set him off and he was extremely mad about it. After Trevin came back home I took some time off from work and he kept asking me when he could have Trevin again and I told him I wanted his new address and to make sure Trevin had somewhere to take naps. He kept asking me if he gave me the new address would I changed the custody I filed for and I told him all I wanted was the address to know where my son was at. He finally gave me his address and told me he was living with a coworker and his girlfriend and her daughter. Me and my dad went to go see this place which was about 5 minutes away from my house and when I walked in I saw a girl he worked with and he had told me that he didn't like her at all. At that very moment I knew what was going on and he was lying yet again and there was no other guy living there. We were still married with a 5 month old baby and he was already living with someone else. I was furious and extremely embarrassed and my dad was livid! You think you can trust someone especially when you have a child with them but I was proven wrong. I lost all trust at during that week. I had a court date set in January and it was the longest and most stressful wait of my life. When the day finally came we finally got a legal custody agreement and I am to be the custodial parent and he would get visitation. I now could breathe easy knowing that Trevin wasn't going to be taken from me like that again. Not knowing where your child is probably the most heartbreaking situation you could ever be in. It was my worst nightmare that I never thought would happen. Looking back at it now I am proud of how I handled everything. I knew (and still do now) that I had to be strong for Trevin and to keep doing what I was doing. Trevin has been my number one priority since day one that I found out I was pregnant and it will always be that way. I hope that Trevin will grow up to be an amazing man and that his childhood and the situation he is in won't affect him. He has a very different and possibly hard situation that he has to live with and I hope that with the support of my family and Trent's we are able to make his life and situation a little easier for him. |
AuthorMama of a wild child, 5 little angels, and a great dane and enjoying the wife life! Archives
April 2018
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